198 - The Family Tree Starts With You

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Today we walk up the stairs, turn left, and stop at a door that's been locked for a long time for some of us. Room 3 is the Family room — and this one is different. For some it's the best room in the house. For others it's the most painful. Today Mario meets every listener exactly where they are and leaves everyone with one challenge: open the door. 

The 7 Family Questions — Score Yourself 1 to 10

1. I feel emotionally connected to the important people in my family
2. I prioritize quality time with my family consistently
3. I communicate openly and honestly with my family members
4. I feel supported by my family in my personal goals and challenges
5. I actively work to resolve conflict and maintain healthy relationships
6. I show appreciation and express love to my family regularly
7. My family relationships contribute positively to my overall well-being

 This Week's Challenge — Open the Door 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Made for More podcast. This is a podcast designed to get you better, get you to be a better person, leader, team player, owner, entrepreneur, or just a better human being. Personal development and personal growth is vital to our lives so that we do not become stagnant. So if you want to be a better person, you're in the right place. If you want to be a better leader, you're in the right place. This is why Made for More exists. To get the individual better, which in turn will make a better team, family, or the world a better place. Motivate and inspire, motivate, inspire, and encourage are our goals. Welcome to a special episode of the podcast, episode 197. We're almost to 200, and today is a special Father's Day episode. So today I have some friends that are going to be with me, and I'll introduce them in just a bit. But I want to wish all the hap all the fathers a happy Father's Day, whether you are a father of one or many or going to be a father. I know there are there are some of my close friends that have lost children. Would love for you to just learn something from today's episode. So to all the fathers out there all over wherever you're listening or watching, Happy Father's Day. Now, for us sitting here, I know each one of us has different upbringings and different backgrounds. We're from different places, and it's led us to be the parents of who we are today. Some of those times were good, bad, challenging, but ultimately we decide what kind of father we're going to be. Um influence is strong. Hindsight's 2020, I get that. But today I want us to share and encourage all the listeners, uh, again, male and female. I know that uh real quick side story, I know that my dad was raised by his mom, no dad at all. And he would always tell my grandmother Happy Father's Day because she had to play both roles. So wherever you're listening, thank you. So as we get started, I want my buddies to introduce themselves, just tell everyone listening or watching your name, how old you are, where did you grow up, and then we'll get into the rest of the details. So let's start with you, homie.

SPEAKER_03 2:11

All right, my name's Dan Martinez, and uh should I tell my real age or the age I tell people I am? Okay, all right, class of 2014. Not really though, but um raised, uh born and raised in Southern California, Corona, California, to be exact. So been here in Texas for nine and a half years, and uh yeah, it's fun actually thinking about Father's Day. It's like it's funny to see even how me as a father has changed from my days in Corona to here in Texas for the good. But I love it. I've got three kids, and man, just loving life. Uh currently a student full-time student pastor and work part-time at a coffee shop.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Nice. Uh are you okay sharing your kids' age?

SPEAKER_03 2:55

Yeah, all right. It might give away my age, but sure. No, I have so I have three kids. Um, my oldest, she is 19, she'll be 20 in uh September. She is currently a student at the University of Oklahoma.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Boomer!

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Welcome sooner. And then uh my middle daughter, she just graduated and she will be attending UTSA. She made the dance team, so we're super, super excited. So I'm just glad she got her dance moves from her dad. Yeah, there you go. So it helped. And then uh, and then yeah, and then I have a 12-year-old son, he's in middle school and get ready to do all the middle school sports. So we'll see if he uh got his athletic abilities from his dad or his mom. Time will tell.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Nice, brother. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Yeah, so Salvador Hernandez, most everybody calls me Sal. Uh, was originally born in Ciudad Juarez, which is right across the border from El Paso, but I grew up in West Texas, Midland, Texas, right? Nothing but dirt and oil. Um and so right now I'm an insider threat lead at Neuralink, which is a company here in Austin. Um, I have two boys, kind of big gap in ages. I have a 12-year-old and a seven-month old. So that's that's been an interesting journey. Yeah, buddy. But yeah, so uh like Dan, really happy. Um, I'm a Texan, right? I served in the military, so I moved around a little bit um after more. I actually moved more when I was out of the military than when I was in, interestingly enough. Um, but yeah, this is home for me. So glad to be on.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Yeah, buddy. Sweet. And you guys uh obviously know my name, uh Mario. If you don't, again, if you're listening for the first time, I appreciate you listening. I should have said that earlier. My name is Mario, I'm the host. Um, two daughters. One is 16, one is 12 or 13. She's gonna be one of those. She's gonna be one of those. So middle school, high school. Um interesting enough. Yeah, interesting enough, we got uh I got connected with our our daughters danced together, Dan's and mine. Uh I I grew up in Midland. I was born in Van Horn, Texas, moved to Midland when I was two, um, grew up in Midland, right outside of Midland, and then that's where I met Sal when I was 18. But the connection uh, and then for me, I own my own business, made for more consulting, and uh you can learn about that on the previous podcast. Please go back and listen to those. But uh yeah, so we're all fathers.

SPEAKER_03 5:22

Um, and I just want to and and I get to hang out with your youngest weekly. Oh, yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Because she goes your your youth. She just came back from camp, which she loved, man. She's tan. She's I mean, she's dark. She's very dark right now because it's summer. Nothing wrong with that. Exactly. Uh, if you want to catch the video version of this, you can go to YouTube and you can see who's dark and who's like, we're all we're all Hispanic. Yeah, all we're all full-blooded Hispanic, right? Well, I mean, well, my I think my grand somewhere up my grandpa's side, there's some I don't know if you can say white or Caucasian. I don't know what's politically correct. It's there's a wine. Um so, anyways, let's let's get started. I I'll probably I don't know who wants to go first. Um I'll start and then um the first question was just, you know, did you grow up in a in a in a house with a a home with a father? And if so, how was that and how did that affect your life? Let's go with that moment at that moment. And for me, I grew up with a dad uh who did not have a dad, and I don't think I I don't think I appreciated that enough until I got older going, man, he did the best he could, but he didn't know what it was to be a dad. Um and so for me, he he I I learned a lot of my habits, good and bad, for my dad. Uh he and again he I'm I'm sure he he'll listen to this, but um he was he's he provided the best he could and he did the best he could um without knowing his dad until maybe like the last ten years. I've never met my grandpa. But for me, I growing up in a in a household with a dad who was a a coach for me growing up, he coached all baseball because that's all I could play. Uh he was the loudest man in the in the stands all the time, always cheering us on. Everyone in our community knew who he was. He's an irrigator. But for me, I think it was vital to have a man in the home. But that was my uh my experience. Again, we didn't have all the money in the world, so we did struggle, and I think that's where a lot of the some of the strife came from between him and I as I got older. Because I didn't work because I was playing sports all the time. But having a dad in the house was definitely something that um I appreciated. Uh and back I don't I I don't want to say back in the day, but uh us growing up in the same time period, and I grew up in a predominantly white um school, and so we were the minority, and we didn't see much divorce, like there most families were all together. Where up the road Sal probably grew up eight to ten miles away from me, but he was in a whole nother school district, which was massive. People hear about Lee, Permian, Midland High, those huge schools is where where Sal went. And so um uh yeah, so so Dan, what about you? Did you grow up in a house with a father and how if so, how'd that affect you back then?

SPEAKER_03 8:21

Yeah, that's um, you know, it's funny because that's actually kind of part of like my testimony. Um that's like a question that's like yes and no, you know. So yeah, my dad, he's I mean, he's straight from Mexico, so being California, Southern California, he was on that part uh across the border. And um, you know, he's he's still with my mom and they're here in Texas. But so they've they're they've been together. He was a hard worker, just like yours, you know, and and that's what he did. Like he worked, worked, worked. And if it was up to him, he was working seven days a week, 12 hour days. And to him, it was like he needed to work, he needed to work overtime because he needed to provide. And and you know, there was a period most of my life, my mom had a full-time job and she baked cakes on the side, so there was income coming in, but just within the last year, hearing more about my dad, you know, they didn't have much in Mexico, and then they sent him to my grandparents, I believe, or something like in Indio. So he grew up, you know, there, or they sent him to Corona, something like that. So he would he grew up with his grandparents, and I mean, same thing, they worked, worked, worked. So that's what he saw, and that's what he knew. You know, so there was no relationship. So, fast forward, he has me and my brother. That's what I know, you know. So, was my dad there? Yes. Was he not there? Yes, you know, again, he was at work constantly. There were times when he had to take us to school or he'd pick us up, and um, you know, after working 12-hour shifts, maybe he's asleep. And man, I used to dread knocking at the door, like, Dad, are you gonna take us to school? He's like, What? You know, just that deep Mexican, what? I'm like, we gotta go to school, you know, because my mom's already at work. So, I mean, that was it. So he looking back like you, man, I appreciate and value his like work ethic. And I think that's what I took from him, just how hard and how he provided. But at the same time, man, there was a lot of times where I needed him. But you know, you had a dad that showed up to your stuff. I grew up playing basketball or basketball a few years, baseball my whole life. You know, there was usually like one game a season that he would be there, um, you know, so yeah, he was there and and he was most mostly not there. But what I took from that, obviously the hard work ethic, but once I was like grew up and married, I said, you know what? Like I know the effect that that had on me, and I promised Amy, like I do not want to be that dad. I want to be present, I want to be at all the things all the time, take them out, teach them to ride bikes, like all the stuff. So, you know, uh I just kind of turned down, turned a negative situation that I was just dude. I talked a lot at school and I got in trouble a lot because I liked the negative attention because I'm like, dude, I want attention from my dad, I'm not getting it, so I'm gonna act out. And uh, you know, when I really, really messed up, that's when I got my dad's attention and the belt. Whoosh, you know, and I'm like, all right, but you know, that was that's that was my upbringing.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

What about you, brother?

SPEAKER_01 11:35

Yeah, no, so it it's interesting that I think there's a reason we all like each other here. So um, like Mario, right, my dad grew up without his father. I I remember him being 34 years old meeting his dad for the first time. You want to talk about awkward? Wow. Like I remember being like a little boy seeing my dad and the emotion on his face when he saw his father for the first time. So can relate to that for Dan. I think for my parents, both my mom and my dad, right? It was kind of a broken presence because they had a lot of issues, right, at in the home. My parents split up like four or five times before they actually got divorced. But their love language was also work. Wow, yeah. There was no I love you. It was like all this that I do every day from 6 a.m. to six p.m. is love. And I don't have to share that with you. You just gotta see it and know that that's what the live love language is. So um a lot like you, Mario, I think I grew up and didn't realize how much having a father in your life is important how important it is until I really became an adult and started understanding, like, whoa, this is why my dad did X, Y, and Z. Well, if nobody shows you or nobody tells you, then how are you supposed to know? And how is he supposed to tell me if no one ever told him? So it really, right, hindsight's 2020. Um but I'm thankful. Uh just like Dan, I'm thankful that they worked so hard because that right, that gave me this uh you know, in Spanish say Punta las baterías, right? Those batteries, like just you know, just keep going and going. I think remembering that mi you know, knowing that my dad never complained about his situation, you know, before he had anything to when he did, and the same with my mom, I think um that helped a lot. And then my friends, of course, but yeah, I mean it it it impacts you, right? When you're you know, you you mentioned like you know, my dad would show up to one game. I think I had the same, I think I can count on my fingers how many times my mom or dad showed up to any anything I did. Yeah. Um so yeah, I mean it impacted me um for good, for bad. Um, but I'm very thankful that it was like that. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

So in that man, y'all made me think of something that wasn't on the questions, the showing up part, right? So I want to ask y'all both, because again, he my dad coached t ball for my older sister through softball, through like they would call it T-ball, A-ball, C ball, whatever. And then she got into middle school. But for me, he coached all the way until the coaches took over in high school. Um, so I always saw him there, but then like high school when I started playing football, and I would literally we'd hear him in the stands because he would be yelling and he was loud, man. I again I I've said this before. I remember being in the huddle about to call the play, and Dusty Robertson, one of the guys on the line, I'll never forget, he looked up and I'm trying to call the play, and he stops me and he says, Is that your dad? And I'm like, What are you talking about? He goes, Do you not hear him? And he he's heard above everyone. So when I did get in trouble at home, everyone knew because my neighbors could hear my dad the alcohol. Um but with that said, bro, here's what I want to so again, these weren't on the this question was not on there, but the the matter of showing up to your kids now. So you we've talked about y'all both have said you could probably count on your finger how many times they showed up. What do you see a response in your kids in the and and you showing up to watch them do what they do, or maybe taking them out fishing or whatever? And what what does that do? And um do you ever think about your dad not showing up, or is it just something that you naturally said, like you said earlier, I'm not gonna be that. So is it something that you naturally just go, I'm just gonna do it?

SPEAKER_03 15:29

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just do it. Like that's just who I am. I don't want to miss it. Cause I know I knew the pain, you know, and that one game meant the world. And um, but the rest of the season was like, oh gosh, what a downer. So I'm like, I don't want my kids, so I want my kids to know that I'm their number one cheerleader, I'm their number one fan, and and I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna cheer and I remind them all the time, like I'm here for you. Like I I'm your number one fan. So just go out there and do what you do, whether it's dancing or gymnastics, competitive gymnastics. I like I don't care what it takes, I'll be there. Yeah, you know, and I think what it does is it shows them, like, okay, cool, like my dad is doing what he can to be present in my life, you know, and it's cool because now, like, my dad has gone to more events of my kids than he's ever done in my for me, which I love and I appreciate. He always wants to leave early and right away, but I'm like, hey, he showed up, you know, he showed up, but I'm I want to show up also, you know, and um I just I hope and I remind my kids all the time like man, I'm I'm doing the absolute best that I can. You know, I don't always get it right. You know, there was a there was a season, I think we might have talked about this, Mario, in one of the past podcasts, where I would show up for Kai's soccer games and I would yell, let's go, like, what are you doing? Run faster. Like I was that loud, dad, because I'm like like athletic, like, dude, push yourself, like run. Why are you taking a break? You know, and finally, after the words, he was just like, I don't, if you're gonna yell at me like this, I don't want you here. And I'm like, what? I want to be here. So that's when I really learned, like, I need to just go and encourage and cheer and not try to coach. Yeah, um, man, you know, and luckily, like, praise the Lord, like being full-time ministry has allowed me to be at pretty much almost everything. There was a period where I wasn't in ministry and I was a supervisor at Costco, man, and um I missed I missed like a whole year. I missed some soccer, and I missed Alana's last year of competitive gymnastics. I even missed state. She went to state, and dude, it killed me. Yeah, like that's that, you know, that's my world, and I'm that's a part of it's missing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

So what about you, Sam?

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Yeah, I know. I think I think for me, um I've evolved a ton, right? Because like early with my my oldest, um, right, I was like, you Dan, I was like, I have to be there for everything, and then over time I realized like I'm there, but I'm not really there mentally, right? Because like I'm going through my head, all these things, and so I started becoming a lot more conscious of like when I show up, I'm actually paying attention, right? Instead of thinking about all the things in my head, yeah. And I think that's just that anxiety is something that I learned from my father because sometimes I'd be talking to him, but I didn't I knew he wasn't there. Yeah, like he was thinking, right? And I was like, Are you listening to me? Yeah, right. And just thinking those thoughts, I was like, I never want my boys to ever think that when they're looking at me in the in the face, right? And for sporting things, just like you, like I'm I'm I'm quiet, but it was it meant the world to me when my son would do something in soccer and he'd look back. Oh that's awesome. Was that okay? Like, yeah, you're good, man. Just keep at it, right? Um But yeah, I mean showing up is is huge, man. I'm it but I think I've evolved in understanding like showing up doesn't mean you're present, right? Me meaning you're present is like I'm locked in, I'm paying attention to what you're doing, I'm listening to what's going on. Um, so it's evolved for me. And I think as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at it.

SPEAKER_03 19:21

Yeah, yeah. That's all and dude, you said something that sparked like do I even take that mentality beyond the field or dance, like at home. So like come nighttime, especially now that both my girls are home, and obviously my youngest son, like, dude, when we're at dinner or hanging out afterwards, I'm like, I'm there, but I want to be present. So, man, my phone's off to the side because that's like the biggest thing right now, man. That just it pulls you away fully. And so I'll turn on my phone at dinner and I'm like, okay, we'll play music, and then I put it aside. I'm not checking text, I'm not checking emails, and then if it's happens to be a movie night or we're gonna watch a show as a family, and especially my son, he loves like that's that I feel like that's his love language. I want sisters and mom and dad here, we're gonna watch a movie, you know. And there can be 50 things on my mind, but it's like, okay, my phone is in the kitchen on the counter, and I'll hear text messages go off, but that doesn't matter right now. It's in the moment, being present, yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yeah, yeah, that's a great thought. Yeah, I think for us, man, uh it's so weird, man. I always wanted boys, and when I had my first daughter, I realized I don't want boys. I wanted girls. Dude, I wanted girls and I got two girls and boy, yeah. So I love it. But but my oldest, I mean, her love language is she just wants to sit, she wants family time. Like, if I'm not careful, I'd let it, it agitates me because I'm like, I got things to do. But she's like, hey, we are we all gonna sit down and eat dinner? Are we all gonna watch a movie? And I'm like, that's important to her. Sam, she's she can spend the night at someone else's house every night of the week if she needed to, but she loves just sitting next to you when she's on the couch or whatever, and so they each have their different thing. But to me, again, showing up is I think the temptation for me is to be on my phone just like they are, playing a game or watching a sport. But being someone who again, I enjoy sports and they are learning it or they don't, I have to tell them, hey, like again, we go to we went to the Round Rock Express game. They loved it, or at least Sam did. Allie, she's a dance dancer, she doesn't like in the she don't like being in the heat and stuff, and so I'm like, but if we go drive around and we go out to eat, or we get she loves that, so I'm having to learn that showing up looks different for both of them. Yeah, but then also, like y'all both said, being present. There's a difference between being home and then being present, and so I think you have to learn that. I think that's a challenge for all of us in today's culture and today's age, but um yeah, I think that's that's that's really good. Everything y'all both have said. So real quick. Quick, how is how is the relationship with your father now? And like for me, my my family I would say it's it's pretty good. I mean we we my parents split up I don't know how many years ago. Um but it's interesting because we have a a dad group text and a mom group text, and then we have a no parents group text and sometimes you say things in the parents text that you shouldn't say that are supposed to be in the no parents. Yeah, yeah. But we text, I mean, that's the thing is we we are in constant communication with my dad, me and my three siblings, my three siblings, my my older sister, my younger brother, and my younger sister. And uh there's not a day that goes by that we don't hear from him. We text him personally, he sends us things, he sends my kids things, he's always checking on them. But I would say, you know, the the divorce was tough on him. It's tough on all of us because we were older and it was tough on the grandkids, but I think learning that he didn't have a dad, and there was a mentor of mine, uh Louis Giglio, and he had said one time, you have to sometimes be the person that speaks up the the tree, the family tree. You may be a part of this family tree, a branch, but now you're gonna have to speak life into it in a way you didn't know. And so, like sometimes having to encourage my dad or be the one that has to say things that are tough, but I think being there for him has been good. Um so for us, I think it's a pretty decent relationship. It's I mean the the divorce was definitely took a toll on a lot of people in our family, but we're past that, and I wouldn't want my kids not to have that relationship with their granddad. So um, yeah, what what about y'all?

SPEAKER_03 23:49

Yeah, you want to go or go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I well the relationship now obviously is way better than it was growing up because it just wasn't there growing up, and now they're here in Texas. Um, you know, I I'll text them every now and then, and you know, but it's super quick. You know, he's just he's just not big in communication. He was a hard worker and worked, worked, and then when he was home, he just locked himself in his room, you know, and and that's how it is now. Maybe he'll sit in the garage and then he just goes in the room. So sometimes when I go visit them or the family, he'll come out and say, Oh, hey, you know, and then he'll go back in the room. So holidays he'll stay out, yeah. And and we'll we'll talk. And when we get on a conversation that he's all about, like he'll just talk and boom, you know. So I'd like to say it's definitely better. Um, but there's you know, there's time still. Like I said, he'll show up to my kids' stuff, but like the minute it's over, he'll get to certain points. He's like, okay, ready? We can't can't wait, let's go. You know, even graduation, man. My daughter just graduated my second daughter just graduated and he was there and he sat through it. And um, you know, I guess he, you know, went outside, took a picture, and he's like, Okay, let's go. You know, and it was funny because I passed him outside with thousands of people, and I'm like, hey, are you looking for him? He's like, No, I already did. I took a picture, like I'm just I'm going to the truck. I'm like, already? Like we're gonna celebrate, we're taking more pictures, and he's like, No, I'm ready to go. And he walked to the truck. I'm like, okay, well, he got lost, so he's calling my phone, and I know he's lost, but I'm not picking up my phone because, dude, it's about my daughter, and we're taking pictures and we're meeting friends, like, you know, so he's showing up and he's there, and we'll talk, but then it's quick, you know. So even when he goes to my house, he, you know, he goes and sits outside, which is fine. So, you know, I gotta make it a point to go out there and sit and talk with him, but we'll talk, you know. Yeah, so it's funny.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

So before Sal answers, there's something, and I mean, I'm not white, and uh, no offense to anybody. When I say white, I hope that's I don't, dude, I don't care. People say Mexican. I grew up people saying Mexican, I don't care. Yeah, and so when I say white, my wife is white, so I don't know if this is a Hispanic Mexican culture thing, but again, I didn't have a grandpa on either side because my mom's dad had a stroke when I was born and he was never the same, so he's always quiet. But I but I hear more and more of what you said was the traditional they come home and they need their I mean, but because they were raised to be hard workers, yeah, and so they just separated themselves. Um, because that's what they what that that's what they knew. So I don't know, I don't know if that's a thing that all men across all races or if it was just the culture that we grew up in.

SPEAKER_03 26:40

Um but anyways, what about you, so that well that's funny, so really fast going like you know, he would, especially when they lived in California, um, you know, like I said, when he'd come home, he'd shower and he'd be in his room. And you know, my mom's doing dinner, she does a lot, you know, and it was funny when my kids were young, like one of the the joys was like, Hey, do you want to take Papa his dinner? And my girl's like, Yeah, like I'll carry this, his Diet Coke, I'll carry the food, you know, and they would walk down the hall into the room. Here you go, Papa, you know, it was so yeah, just he kind of like isolated himself. I don't know if it's because he was tired or like he saw his dad do what he did, saw his grandpa do what they did, and then just retreated. Yeah, so that was a good that was a good thought.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Yeah, yeah, I think for me, I think my relationship with my dad now is a lot better, right? I I I think right because of the separation and divorce, like I missed all those years with my father, even though he wanted to be there, but um, you know, we don't have to get into all that, but I missed a lot of that time, so now I spend a ton of time listening to him, right? Because I didn't really know him, know him, right? Like you would know your father when he's an adult, right? As an adult, you know, what did you do when you were 12? Yeah and here goes this like hour and 30 minute story, and I'm just gonna wow, like you did all that, right? Like you went through all that, and so I think the relationship is better now with my father. Um, but I think it's a lot on him as well, on understanding, like, man, this this one I raised is a little different. He wants to know what went on and why I made that decision, you know. And so um yeah, he's evolved a ton too. He's grown where he's more willing to share. Um right, because I think like my grandfather, at least on my mom's side, was very much I'll come home from work and I'm gonna drink a 40. Uh-huh. Carta Blanca, right? Like a Mexican 40. Yeah, yeah. And don't mess with me. I'm gonna sit on this couch and watch whatever I watched, don't mess with me. Yeah, and so right, I saw that, and then my father obviously he his my grandfather on that side was not around until he was like 34 years old. Um, but my dad has come around a lot. I think he also like the things I talked about, like being present. I think he's gotten to a point in his life, right late in his 50s, where he was like, Man, maybe I should pay attention to what they're saying. Right. I think they got something to say. So it's evolved, it's it's uh it's a lot better. Um, father's a good man, he just right, didn't have all the tools that we have. Right, the same type of friends and all that, which makes a big difference.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Yeah, that's so that's a good point. I mean, for me, I think all this is just saying that fathers are important, the influence that they had. So we'll move from our father figures into um our parenting, but just to see that our parents and our their fathers, their fathers' fathers, they all have an influence, and an influence just leads into that family tree, if that's what you want to call, and whether it's generational curses, good things, uh habits, hangups, whatever, uh athletic ability, non-athletic ability, it's it. I think the father figure is definitely important. Yeah, so that's our fathers. Um so as we go from this to the next part, I want to ask what so becoming a father, I mean, I'll never forget when we had our first daughter, like seeing her for the first time. I'm like, I'll never forget that moment because I was like, man, that's my daughter for both of them. Um but what is one thing, and I think I wrote this down, what is one thing uh you wish you would have been told before you became a father? And that can either be from your parents to you, uh it can be an actual practical thing. Um and I think I'll start, dude. Like for me, I know this and some people that aren't parents don't understand this. And it's funny because you don't understand until you have kids, right? Um and I have to be careful what I say because there's probably people in our family that are like, I can't believe you're you would say that. Not on my side, but maybe my my wife's side. But like I didn't know that kids would drive you to a point where you're like that mom that drove into the ocean and killed everybody. I'm like, I'm like, I it's not that I don't blame her. I'm like, holy crap, they can drive you mad. Like I had no idea, dude. Like, like I had no idea that just a constant crying, like there's they're not doing anything wrong, they're just trying to tell you they're uncomfortable, they're hurt, they're they need their diaper change, but not knowing those things and how to respond, I'm like, what is wrong with her? Like, why is she not being being quiet? Why what's going on? And instead of consoling her and helping her, I would go right to getting angry, and like my wife's not that way, but that's the way I knew things, and so I had to back up, and it was probably years after that I apologized to my daughters of just my first response is always anger, whether they're getting hurt or they're doing something wrong. Like, I just it goes from zero to a hundred. But like I remember driving home from Midland and Allie just was uncomfortable in her car seat, and we were in San Angelo, we're only an hour in, hour and a half in, we still got four hours, and she was just crying. And I was like, We I I and my goal is get home without stopping. Well, you can't bro, you have kids, you're gonna have so for me, I think I wish I was told like it's not it's not that it's not easy, but you're gonna have to learn to keep your composure, not yell, which you I mean I've yelled plenty, but um, yeah, I think that was it, man. Because I remember being yelled at as a kid and I remember what the feeling was like, whether it hurt my feelings or I was like, dang, I didn't realize I made them that pissed off. But then in turn doing it to my daughters, I'm way better now. But like I wish they would have told me you're gonna be pushed to every button's gonna be pushed, and you're gonna have to learn to control yourself. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. So what what about y'all? What do y'all think that you wish again now? Seven month-old. Seven month old. So what about y'all?

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Yeah, uh for me, yeah. I've been thinking about right, because you you sent me the questions. I think the one thing that I wish someone would have kind of pulled me aside, my father, whoever'd been a father figure, and said, Life is long. You know, it it's long. Like the amount of things you can accomplish in a year, more so with your family, if you just slow down and understand what's going on around you, how long life can be. Because I think um oftentimes, right, you get so busy with grown-up things, right? Oh, I've got to pay the mortgage, I gotta pay these bills, I gotta pay that, this, really at the end of the day, it's like it's a long life, and all that really matters is your family, not so much work, not so much those things. I wish somebody would have told me just slow down and take it one day at a time because life is long. Um because right, you you go through the decades, even for me, right? I'm I'm 41 at this point, but right, when I was 10, the way I was compared to when I was 20. Yeah. Compared to when I was 30, compared to now, even now when I'm 40, and I look back and I'm like, oh my gosh, that was 10 years of like incredible lessons learned, good, bad, and everything in between. So I wish someone would have just told me slow down. Like one day at a time.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

That's real good.

SPEAKER_01 34:39

That's really, really good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

It it sucks that we have to learn it the hard way. That's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

You can't make up for lost time, right? Yeah, I think that's like one of the biggest lessons that someone taught me one time. It's like I was trying to stay around at work, and right, my coworker in the military was like, dude, this is gonna be here tomorrow. Right. So yeah, yeah. He's like, You're not you don't get the time back with your family, go home. Right. I was like, Okay, you're right. I'm going home.

SPEAKER_03 35:03

Dude, and it's funny, I mean, I don't know about you, Mario, or even you, so like right now, like when I see dads do that, it just breaks my heart. Yeah. Obviously, we know we've done it, you know. Someone once told me, like a coach once said, he's like, hey, the work's gonna be there tomorrow. It is no matter how much you complete today, there's still gonna be more tomorrow. Yeah, take a day off, like don't you know, and and I had to learn that. And so when I see like dads now that are so focused on work or late night meetings, and and just you know, it's like ah, it breaks your heart, man. You know, I think for me, man, the one thing I wish someone would have really said, maybe they did, I just didn't know. Um, you know, it comes down to, I guess for me, was hey, just be there and listen and don't try to fix it all. That's good. As men, husbands, dads, we're we gotta fix it. Oh man, the bill we're falling behind on bills. Okay, I'm gonna get a second job. Or okay, I'm gonna do overtime, or oh, this needs to be okay. I'm gonna fix it, I'm gonna do this. Oh, dude, they, you know, I'm gonna go out at night and buy the poster board because they got a science project due tomorrow. Like, we're gonna fix it, fix it, fix it, you know. And I like legit, like I just kind of learned this lesson within the last year, year and a half, especially with my middle one, because I finally asked her, I'm like, hey, what what do you need from me as a father? Like, what would make me a better father? And she wrote wrote it because she couldn't tell me, but she was like, honestly, there's sometimes I just need you to like hear me out. I don't need a leadership lesson. I don't need she said that, and uh, you know, and um she I don't need a leadership lesson, I don't need you to try to fix it, yeah. I don't need do this or that, or like I just I just need to know you're listening, and I just need to get it off my chest. Yeah, and I was like, okay, like that's almost that's 17 years of me just trying to fix it, yeah. Do this. So I wish someone would have taught me that back in the day.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

Yeah, that's that's that's solid, man. I think that um, y'all's is a lot better than mine. Mine's just have patience. I I'll never forget. Um, and you know, for me, once I I stopped being a pastor and I found the whole Jocko Willink mentality. That's when all the anger really came out. The whole Jocko Willink mentality, I'll never forget man, of all things, you know, my my daughters hated when I'd say discipline equals freedom. But then ownership was another big thing, and I'll never forget Allie coming home from school saying, This girl just doesn't take ownership. She just is drama, and I was like, Oh dang, she's getting it. But then, of course, the one effing episode that I listened to with my wife, he brings up he's like, You know how many times I yelled at my kids? And his wife said, I never heard her yell at her kids. And of course, I mean, being in the military, Sal being in the within the same ranks as him, he Jocko just said, when you yell at your kids, it's a weakness. And if you say I told you so, or because I said so, that's that's a bunch of crap. He goes, 'Cause how do you think you felt when your parents said, Because I told you, why not teach them a lesson? And so I'm listening to one, and then my wife hears it, the same freaking one, because she never liked listening to him, but the one we listen to, he says that, and I'm like, Okay. So when the trash isn't taking out, I gotta take ownership and go. I obviously didn't teach them something. When I started doing that, I started learning more about myself and going, it is discipline, it is ownership. I wish I would have learned that sooner. Um but both of you, I mean, it's so interesting because I have two girls, Dan, you have two girls and a son. Sal has two sons. So when we're talking about what we've just talked about, what we wish we would have they somebody would have shared with us or told us, yeah, time, you can't get that back. That's so big. But if we stay on that for a second, that mentality of being a man and needing to provide, I wonder, because there is there are some selfish tendencies that I've had where I go, I don't want to go home. I'm just gonna stay and work. Yeah. I'm gonna stay in work. Cause that I want to I want to dominate my field or I want to make sure that I'm working. And then there's times where the and again, this is if women are listening, it is not it. I don't know how to I'm not a woman, so I don't know how to rate this or relate it to a woman to where when there's like again, there's times that I don't have clients, so I have to go find work. The pressure of having to provide, I would never put that on my wife or my kids, but it is a lot to bear, right? And so as a man, you take that, and sometimes as as a family, you you distribute that. Hey, my wife's gonna get a job, we both have jobs, that's that's the life that we want. But I wonder how many of those men that are staying after do it because of what we said, I have to provide. Um anyways, I just wonder what kind of encouragement those men need. Because again, I've found myself where I'm working 12 hours delivering stuff so that we have enough money to get by, but they want me here, but then they show me appreciation because they know I'm out there. But I wonder what kind of man, I don't know what to tell those men that they're having to bust it because they want to provide for their family. And again, it comes with wanting to fix things, but more so, and that's why I go, I I'm I've I'm not a woman, so I don't know if they ever have if they have that feeling of I need to provide like a man. So I don't know if you guys have any encouragement for men that are in that zone. I mean, I'll the only thing I can say that I that I know that I think both of you have said in my life, along with Mark Avalos, is hey, I see you, like we see you, you're busting it, keep it up, like man, you're doing what you need to do to provide for your family. Um, so stay at it. But I think the thing that I would probably encourage them to do as well is to explain that to their kids, not in a way like, hey, we don't have freaking money, I'll do this, dude. I I'll go off the deep end and go, we don't have freaking money. So you want Chick-fil-A? Well, I guess I'll go work 12 more hours instead of doing that. Yeah, explain that hey, hey, I have to provide, I want to make sure that we have what we need, so I'm gonna go work. But I don't know, I don't know how you guys feel about that.

SPEAKER_03 41:39

Yeah, man, I don't know. I think um I think transparency is huge. I think that's one of the greatest like teaching tools, and and that's kind of one of the things I told my daughters just this week. I'm like, hey, like we just paid for mortgage and I'm gonna start paying for two college apartments and mortgage. So it's like, like, I dude, I want to take you to Pazookis on Tuesday because they're cheap. But like we need to like pull back, but being transparent, like we're working hard, we're doing what we can, and for the next two weeks, like we really have to just pull the straps, pull back, and just not spend, you know, and and but being honest, like, hey, we're working hard and we would love to do this for you. Let's figure out, or how can we figure this out, you know? So I don't know. I think you know, I read this one book back in the day, or a couple years ago, actually, I think it's called Halftime, and it talks about being le living leaving more of a legacy, you know, than like what are you willing to leave? And having all this money and working overtime. Okay, we need this, I'm gonna work more, I'm gonna work more. So, what are you willing to sacrifice? What are you willing to sacrifice? I'm willing to sacrifice my family so I could work more to provide and give them the things they need, or man, would I rather leave a legacy and be present and suffer, but show them that I'm here and we'll figure it out, we'll work together, and I'm being honest and transparent. Like, hey, this is just a tough week. So, so I don't know. I think maybe if any dads or moms are listening, like working hard, I get it. I do. I've always worked two jobs at one point. I worked three jobs, but I try to work around their schedule because I would rather um live a life of significance than success. And and know that I'm gonna be honest with my kids of why we can't do A, B, and C right now. And I think being a student pastor, I think what helps is just faith. Like, you know what, God's gonna provide. I'm doing what we're called to do, I'm doing what God's called me to do, and and I'm gonna give, and I still tithe, and you know, God's gonna provide, you know, our daily bread, and that's that's what we have.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

So let's give it Yeah, I think what right uh I'm not sh trying to put on a sermon for people, but I think what we need to do, you know, especially for fathers specifically, is we need to let go of what providing means. Right. I think we have this understanding that it's like I need to make this amount of money so my family can do these things that I never had or wish I had. Um but I think the things that I've learned over the years is like my family, right, my boys, my wife, especially, you know, in the past year, right? I I went through some hard time there trying to find a job when I was unemployed. And my wife was like, I don't care if you make a hundred dollars or a million dollars. Yeah. I just want you to have a purpose so you can ho come home happy, right? And and then providing like the basic needs is all you really need. Because we're sitting here talking about like everything we didn't have. Yeah, yeah. But at the end of the day, it's like we got fed, we had a roof, and those are really the basic things that your family needs to be happy. So I think just letting go of like well what what's the definition of providing?

SPEAKER_02 45:07

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 45:07

I think, right, like Dan, you talked about it, is the balance of, yeah, I need to work, I need to be successful, I need to show you that I'm a hard worker, but also need to hit stay back and say, hey, I'm here for you, and at the same time being like, hey, we don't have money for XYZ. Okay? That's just the bottom line. In the future we may have it, right? Um, I think it's letting go of that understanding that like I have to provide. Well, that can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but ultimately I think if you break it down, whether you came from a good home or a bad home, my basic needs were met. That's what made me happy, and you were around, and that makes your family stronger. That's good. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 45:50

I love it. Yeah, I had never thought about that, letting go of that word or defining it. Defining it, yeah. That's good. That's real good. Um, to staying on that topic, let me uh I was gonna look at this, and so we we talk about what we wish we would have been told. Um what uh what is again teenagers man, they bring their own challenges. But uh and then I mean he has a seven-month-old, which they they brought him by one. I mean, they brought him by I think last month, and it was so cool to have a baby in the house. Um but what is a challenge that you face as a father today? Like for you personally, what's one of those challenges? And I again I'll start so you guys can think. But like for me, it's like this is what and it's so weird because this is what I think about when I'm driving is going, I only have this much time with them under my roof, but then it's also a breath of fresh air because I go, I'm playing the long game, I'm teaching them things that I wish I would have been taught, but more so it's time with them. It's apolog like for me, the biggest thing was apologizing as a father, because I don't know if y'all were ever apologized to, but um for me telling Sam and Allie both that I'm sorry for whatever I did, uh, whether I responded a bad way or if I uh if I was uh short with them, their response was a million bucks, because I was like, man, that's what they needed to hear. But for me, it's going the challenge as a father right now is going, I don't I can look at how much time I don't have, but I flipped it to go make the most of and again that's why made for more exist is make the most of what you have going right now, or else you're gonna be going, I wish I would have, or why didn't I do this? And that's what I don't want to live my life by is to go, I wish I would have. So as a parent and as a father, though, I think this is what you're not getting into the whole sexist thing, but I think people downplay how much fathers actually feel that they just don't voice it. Because I think moms want to spend time with their, you know, they're they're they're raising the kids, they're they're um cherishing their moments, they're they're they're there, they're the mom, but I don't think dads say it enough because I don't think people think that they feel that way to go, man, I just want to be home with my kids. And that's just the way it is sometimes. And so for me, one of the challenges as a father is going, man, I don't have much time with them left, but I do have the time I have now, so I gotta make the most of it. And again, they're gonna grow up, they're gonna do their things, but I have to make the most of my time right now. I think that's just one of the challenges that I feel I face outside of just rage and raising two teenage daughters, which is I don't know, man. I I don't know what it'd be like to raise boys, but son of a gun, man, when they are when there's drama in the house, like I just want to sit in my car outside and not come in. And I'm told my and and there's times that my wife's even I'm sleeping in the car. There's times that my wife is like, hey, why don't you go go get some wings? Just leave the house and go do what you gotta do, and I'll go. But then there's times like I went to the lake to knock out some work and I was there to focus on work, and I ended up coming back home because I told my wife it's so boring without you guys. But there's also times when I'm like, I gotta get out of here because there's so much drama. So, what about y'all? What are some what's a challenge that you face as uh as a father right now?

SPEAKER_03 49:38

Man, that's a good question, dude. Um how I can be the coolest dad out of all the friends. Uh no, you know, um, but I do want my girls to think I'm the coolest one. But uh, you know, honestly, I think it's maybe not so much like being present. Ah man, I'm trying to think how to word it. Every kid, you guys mentioned every kid is so different. So how can I meet each kid where they're at? And and I guess even maybe how can I show them their love language because they're so different, you know? That's good. Um yeah, I think that's my biggest challenge, you know, because you know, Janae is one way, you know, and but Alana's completely different, and she she's she's stronger and confident into herself, she's fine laying in her bed for hours that's on her phone, but it's like okay, like that that's my challenge. Like, how can I get you out of the room? How can I get you to um engage with the rest of the family? But maybe you don't. So, how can I meet you where you're at? Just sit on your floor and watch you on your you know what I mean? And then there's Kai, and he's completely different. So that's probably my biggest challenge. And I learned that. I mean, I'm still learning that, but you know, um, when I knew we were having a second kid and she was born, I'm like, I have to approach them way different. Yeah, you know, I could sing to Janae and rock her, and she would be fine. Alana would still cry. So I'm like, okay, what do I gotta do? You know, do I face her out? Do I face, you know, and so you know, that's I think to me, that's my biggest challenge because I want to be so, so present and I want to be a part of their lives and just them to know like my dad's here. So it's like, okay, Janae, what's your love language? What's the best way I can be the best dad for you? That's my challenge. Alana, how can I be the best dad for you? How can I meet you where you're at? Kai, what about you? You know, like where can I meet you? So to me, that's my biggest challenge because I have three completely different kids. So it's good.

SPEAKER_01 51:56

Yeah, so I mean, I have a seven-month no, so I don't know what he's gonna be like. Uh him and Javi are pretty similar, but I think the biggest challenge for me, um, and I'm sure you guys are dealing with this, is one of the the curses of served in the military and then did some work in the intelligence community and then worked for counterhuman trafficking is the fear I feel. Like, I I don't know about you guys, but like when I drop my son off at school, sometimes I'm like, oh my gosh, like I gotta let go. Right. And I think you know, there's a lot of folks out there, right, they may not have like faith, right? But you have to anchor down to something that has a huge foundation because for me, fear is the biggest thing. Um, I used to tell this story all the time when I worked at uh this counterhuman trafficking um company called Deliver Fund. They're still out there doing great things, so check them out. Um, but I used to tell this story about right back in the day when we grew up, right, your parents would leave you alone when you were like seven years old.

SPEAKER_02 52:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

And the only thing they would tell you is I don't care who knocks on the door, I don't care if it's Mickey Mouse, President of the United States, you don't open it. You don't open it. All right. Well, these days the door is a phone and it gets open to so many people.

unknown 53:14

Man.

SPEAKER_01 53:15

And right, once I heard that, I was like, oh my gosh, like, right that on top of with the violence at schools, and you know, I think my biggest challenge is fear and just kind of right, like you you mentioned it, like you have to have some type of faith to fall back on because you can't control those things, and you just have to say, Okay, I'm gonna drive off and everything's gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_02 53:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:38

Right? Um, so for me it's fear. I mean, there's just so much information and right, like so so so many of the things that we like right, whatever been like, you know, I didn't bring something weird, but like pornography, like for us, it was like, Does your dad have a cable box?

SPEAKER_02 53:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:56

Right? And if your friend didn't have a cable box, you didn't have access to it, well now like it's unlimited. Yeah, right. And and so that for me it's just fear and like trying not to get in that space where I'm like, oh what about this and what about this online? Um, and just kind of anchoring down on faith. So fear is my biggest challenge. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's real good. I think that's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:19

I think that uh with that, that's a that's a good segue into the next one. Of again, we all have at least a middle schooler in our home. Uh, and it's so interesting to it it'd be interesting to see how your youngest, the seven-month-old, is gonna be different from your oldest. Because when I hear you talk about your middle, I'm like, dude, she is so different from both your the the the oldest one and the youngest, and so and so is Allie and Sam. Sam, I mean, Sam is completely different, bro. Um, but uh with what Sal said, living in today's age, so think through your kids right now, your oldest or I mean Dan, you have three, so for me, the same I mean they're older, so if Sal thinks about his oldest, the the role that the father plays in the culture today, and whether he's missing or whether their friends have one, do you feel like you play that role with for their friends? I mean, not on purpose, but like inherently going, people come over and do you intentionally be that guy that goes, Hey, I'm I'm a protector, I'm a I'm someone who can be there for you. And I'm not saying that you say that, but there's so many kids right now that don't have fathers in their home.

SPEAKER_02 55:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:40

And the importance, and then do you see that? Because to me, I see it's so interesting to hear our girls come home from school and say so-and-so just lives with her mom, and there's no talk about dad whatsoever, and then you meet these kids and then you go, holy crap, I had I mean, I had a dad. They have their dad. And it's so interesting to see that those kids, and being a youth pastor, I'm sure you see this because I see this too, is that they crave the the acceptance of a man because it's it's not there, and so that they crave like uh that father figure of man. I need I need that in my life. Like, I don't know if it's a protector, if it's provider, if it's just that male figure in their life. Um, I think sometimes teenagers want people to tell them what to do, even when they push back. No, they want some kind of figure in their life. So do you see that? And I mean, I guess just yeah, do you see that in the culture where you're at? And uh just curious about y'all's thoughts and the and the dad that's not present in the culture today. I mean, I'm sure there's a a lot that aren't, but there's a lot that are. So I'm just curious what you guys think.

SPEAKER_03 56:57

Yeah, man. I mean, it's uh it's a sensitive issue, right? You know, and you probably hear it from the girls, and that's a lot of drama just stirs up. I think for us, we and you know, Amy is a huge help with this, where our doors always open, and where they're where I have to draw the line is that youth pastor, and I'm just their dad. And when they come to the house, they're not coming to a church or a pastor's house, they're coming to their friend's house, and their parents are gonna just love them equally and hear them out. So it's like I'll represent and I'll try to reflect Christ, but I just want to know about you, you know. And and we've had, you know, um, both girls, we've had friends that whether they got kicked out or big fights or whatever with friends, we're like, our doors always open. You know, we never want to step on toes, but our doors open. And if you need a place to stay, we're here, we'll make it work. It's a three-bedroom, we're gonna make it work. So we're always pro like friends and being open and just helping them as much as we can, you know. Um, so yeah, I mean, you know, Amy always, you know, especially when some of the new we meet new friends or boyfriends and stuff like that, like, dude, I'm always without a shirt. So Amy's like, what kind of messages you never have a shirt? They probably feel so uncomfortable. I'm like, this is in my house and I'll make them feel comfortable just by talking to, you know. So there's always that, but you know, so I'll kind of walk up in shorts and no shirt and flip-flops and like, what's up? You know, like how's dance? Are you doing school or like you know, and how's this sport going? So I really try to meet them where they're at so they know they could trust me and talk to me. I'm not shoving the Bible, I'm not shoving our faith, um, I'm not doing any of that. I want to meet them where they're at because you know, whether it is boys or girls and friends, they all have their stuff. And there's been multiple times where like our house is always open. Yeah, you never need to like hesitate or doubt, just come by, you know, and we're here, we're here to listen and talk and really make it as comfortable as we can. Yeah, um, I don't know if that answers the question, but I'm just yeah, just that's really good. Yeah, we just try to just try to be present with them, you know.

SPEAKER_00 59:23

So yeah, you got anything?

SPEAKER_01 59:25

Yeah, um, yeah, I I I think you and you guys have known this for years because you guys are in the ministry, but the first time I I knew I needed to be a good man, right? I've always known that. But where I was like, this is important for society, is during that time I was unemployed, I I I told you that I did substitute teaching in some of the inner city elementary schools in Houston. And you know, I'd be in this classroom and I was stunned at how easy it is to pick out the kids that don't have a present of not only a mother, but more so a father in their life. I mean I it was like instant. I could be like, that kid wow doesn't have it. Yeah. Um, you know, of course I wasn't going, hey, are your parents together? You know, but I it was it was it was almost like daunting to me, like the importance, and you talked about it earlier, like about discipline, right? W what a man does, even if he's not there, like even the example of hey, I get up, I do these things, and then I go to work, and then I come home and do these things, no matter what those look like, just the understanding and the right, the conception of like this is what somebody's supposed to do every day became so apparent to me that I could see the response, hey, I want you to go out of this classroom. Then they, you know, little no, look at me. Go out of this classroom, walk down this line, and then make a left-hand turn, and it was like they're everything. Oh man, he told me exactly what to do. Yeah, right? Um, and I I I think, yeah, I mean, I think that's the importance of like men, right? Is like the discipline. Women can have it too, but the the man is the one that's I think supposed to be like, hey, this is the road, it's gonna be wavy, it's probably gonna suck here and there, but this is exactly the way you need to go, and I think there's a craving for that, both for for boys and for girls. And I think the I'm I think the father's responsible for that, and it's incredibly important. And so, yeah, we get I think we have a responsibility as a society of men to make sure that whether it's your kids or their friends or kids that don't have a father, that we're the ones that can give them that guidance and say, hey, here's how you get from point A to point B, right? It's gonna suck everywhere in between, but this is what you need to do for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:01

That's good. Uh uh kind of going off that, I love it because I think about your listeners for you know, made for more and you know, the um careers and successful people, leaders, entrepreneurs, and they're so focused on leading companies and businesses and teams and staff, and great, more power to you. Take that and pull away and lead your household the same way because that's gonna that's so much more important. Yep, you know, and sometimes I think now I gotta grow, I gotta grow, I gotta grow this company, we gotta make X amount of dollars and gotta get to the next level. I wanna climb the ladder, and I get that, but it's like, what good is that if you know, like Sal said, these kids are going in a class and teachers can tell that they don't have that dad or male present because they're so focused on everyone else in the business, it's like, dude, you're not doing any favors at all. Exactly right.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:58

So yeah, man, I think that it's that age-old thing that if if if we followed you with a with a with a camera crew, what would we see at work and what would we see at home? Hopefully it's the same person. Yeah. I mean at work you definitely have to be a leader in your in in your field, and if you are the owner, manager, entrepreneur, it's your business, there's a different level. But who you are, I think shows at both places. And if you cannot get on the same, you don't have to be the same person, but if you are two different people, I think that is where two values collide, and it's one of those is gonna win. And your legacy that's left behind in influence in the influential world that's looking to you to be a leader is gonna be different because you're a different father or parent or spouse. Um but yeah, yeah, you're definitely right. I I think that for the for the clients that I lead, man, some of them are very high capacity, own their own business, multi-million dollar businesses. There's a single mom and there's a single dad that I'm thinking of. And man, he he busts his butt and he just I think he's about to be an empty nester, but he is more about teaching them what they need to do to be an adult and to give back to society. The mom that again runs her own business, same thing. She's having to show up for both kids. Her one of her sons is a D1 athlete, just got taken to Wake Forest to be a wide receiver. Um this is second school, anyways. He's a he's a D1 athlete, and again, she is she's the strong, she's having to play that role. So when we meet and we talk about how are things going in life and work, she's the same person, but you can tell that there's a lot of work that needs to be done at home because she's having to be both, that's apparent. So it is a challenge, but like you said, as a man though, we like Sal was saying, I I we have that responsibility. Um I just want men to know that, and I think this goes for anybody, as a leader, you're being watched, but as a man, you're also being watched to go, how is he disciplined? How is he doing these things? And it's not I'm not saying that moms aren't either, but I'm just saying on Father's Day, I want these men to know that we see you, people are paying attention to you. Um we know that you're working hard, do your best, but in in inspire and and influence your your kids to be the best they are. I think that's one thing I learned from being a youth pastor, man, is I wish that things were different because sometimes they drop just like Sal being a substitute and you being a youth pastor, sometimes they drop off their kids saying, Go ahead and fix them. I'm like fix them, yeah. No, that's I'm here to support you, but that's your role, not mine. But then you realize that they're broken too. And so I don't know, man. I I think that's there's a there's a lot in the culture that needs to be fixed, but we can only be so much, and you have to be who you are. Going back to this whole thing, be who you are. At both places and yeah, be someone who the world uh can can learn from. Um so before I ask my last question, I'll I'll let y'all's mind just go and and start thinking if there's anything that you guys want to ask or say before we go, start thinking through that. If you have any questions or you got anything you're gonna say, because the last question I have is for any some encouragement, what would we tell anyone that needs to be encouraged that's about to become a father? Or yeah, that's about to become a father. I mean, I think of I have students right now, I have two students that are expecting within the next month, and then I have two students that just lost a child um uh through, you know, th didn't give birth, but you know, there's a miscarriage. And then I have I mean one of the number one listened to podcast is Hayden and McKenna, who uh I always text her on Mother's Day and I always text him on Father's Day because they lost um Wilder, who was born and she passed away after so long here on Earth, and then they did IVF and lost two other babies, and she's in the military now. She's excellent. He was in the military and now he's a coach, and they're they live in New York, but their story is one of loss, but it doesn't mean they weren't parents, doesn't mean that he wasn't a father. Um so trying to think through what you would say to encourage uh to you know, a father to be, or someone that lost a child, it doesn't matter if you want to talk to both of them, but to me, I'll start so you guys can think through this. To me, I think of these students that I've had that are about to be parents, and I think through what we've said, and it's the same message I would want to give them is work's gonna be there tomorrow, but spend as much time as you can with your your children and your spouse, but play that role as a father for them because you're the only father that they have, you know? Like they you be that dad that whether or not you have or not, be that dad for them that they go, Man, I'm proud of my father, I'm proud that he was my dad. So be that which means the action steps are work's gonna be there tomorrow, have patience, teach them ownership and discipline, but man, be the loving, caring, disciplinary as well, but be there for them, like be present, um and show them that you support your spouse. I think that's the other thing that I didn't talk about much, but it it's a challenge once you have kids as a as a spouse, because your your wife goes through things that you don't you don't understand, and you're like, what the freak's wrong with you? Um but uh or at least that's what I was, but and she but and yeah, we'll talk about that later. But she uh That's for another podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:55

Yeah, that's for another podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:57

But no, seriously, I would want these men, these these young men to know, man, you're the only dad they're gonna have, so do what you can to provide, have patients, show up, and be present. Um, I don't know if there's something that you guys would say.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:11

Dude, I love what you said. You're the only dad they're gonna have. Um the only dad that they're gonna have and that they want. I looked up to my best friend's dad, uh, and I looked up to my grandpa, and those were the most influential men in my life. And you know, and then I got older and married and in ministry, so I had other influences, but man, I looked at my best friend's dad, who he did the things, and he went outside and he shot hoops, and you know, and he was there for them. Um and he would take them up to the mountains on the weekend and they would invite me, and I just watched him and I was like, dude, this guy is there, like he's there, you know. Um, yeah, and my grandpa, my grandpa would, you know, after he had some health complications and whatnot, and he fully retired, it was, you know, he'd wake up early, read the paper, you know, my grandma would serve him breakfast and coffee, and they would talk, and then he would just do his thing throughout the day at home. And after dinner, like I would just, or during the day, I'd I'd be with him as he'd water his chili plants. And then after dinner, you know, the angel game's playing on on the radio, and he's outside watering, and he's telling me about the grass and this and that, you know, and I just they were they were the dad's present that I wanted, you know, because my dad was at work. So I would tell any new dad, enjoy the journey. Yeah, and most of the times your day off from your regular work is gonna be more stressful and harder than a day in the office, but enjoy that ride because there's no going back to those days, yeah, you know, and um be like kind of like you said, like not necessarily like you're the only dad that they're gonna have. If you're in the office, they're gonna look to someone, yeah. Don't let it be a friend's dad, or which is fine, and mentors, and that's fine, but like truly be the only dad that they can't live without. Um, and that's just enjoy every second, enjoy every moment, have fun, and you know, um reach out to other guys. Like, there's gonna be times when you're like, you just want to yell, and like, what do I do? They're spitting their food out and they're crying, and ah, like reach out to friends, and like, okay, what works? What do I do? You know, um, it's okay to ask questions. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have all the answers. Just enjoy the ride and learn as you go.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:43

Yeah. Um, yeah, it this is a loaded question, right? Because I think each of us, really any father out there, could actually write a book about their experience. So I think, you know, the encouragement I would give is right, rewrite the script. It's like father is almost being a father is almost as fluid as a large language model, an AI, right? It's not from one day to the next, it can be totally different. It can be good, and then all of a sudden it turns into bad, and now you're responding to a bad situation when it when it was a good situation. So I think rewrite the script, right? You're not gonna be your father. You know the mistakes your father made, own up to them, right? If you have to work through them, work through them systematically, one day at a time, right? All you have to be is a little better than your father, and your kids will be a little better than you, right? Um, so rewrite the script, and then the second one is just accept that you're gonna be tired for the next 18 years. Yeah. Right? And and that's a good thing, right? Or like, you know, you work out because you want to get tired, you want to challenge yourself, right? You have weird conversations and hard conversations with your spouse because you want to be a better spouse.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:02

Well, get used to being tired because if you're a good dad, you're gonna be tired every day. That's good, man. And so just get over it, right? Move forward. You're gonna be tired, and you're gonna have to rewrite the script. And hopefully you teach your kids enough so they can rewrite their own script as a father, look back and say, here are the things that my dad didn't do perfect. I just need to be a little better to be a better man. So that's good, man.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:28

Yeah, that's the encouragement. Dude, that's really good. I love it. Like, um, you know, one of the things I'll say when I do like weddings, um, officiate weddings, is I always say, like, show up because you love them, and then tomorrow show up because you love them, but be better than you were yesterday. That's good. And then the next day show up and be better than you were the day before. And as dads, that's all we can do. And sometimes we're not gonna get it right, and but show up because you love them. Because they're gonna piss you out. And you want to be better, you know. Yeah, you want to be better than you were yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:00

Yeah. Oh, I got one more thing. Yeah, it's okay. So I think Dan, you brought it up. I think one of the things that I've really learned after being out of the military, and I know you guys are fully aware of the suicide rates of military men, but I think for men in general, like one of the things you need to do as a father, because it is hard. Like, Mario, you brought it up earlier. Like, sometimes you just want to shake the shit out of a baby. Like, I mean, and and like you think like, how can this baby make me feel that type of anger and frustration? But I think, right, all that being said, is like find a community, whether it's a Dan or a Mario or a church, and lean on them because I think that's the thing we're missing as society, is like what happened to these tribes, yeah, right? Of people that help each other. It takes a village, all that. Well, do we really mean that anymore? Like, go and find it, and you have to be intentional about it because you need help. That's so good. You need to ask for help. Like, there no there's no doubt about it, right? Like, I'm 40 years old and I call Mario sometimes. Well, what do you think I should do? Yeah, that's awesome. Like, I don't know everything, so ask for help, man. Yeah, people are good. Like, you know, despite like what do you think? Like, this side thinks about things this way, conservative, Democrat, Republican. Like, at the bottom line is people are good, and they'll help you if you ask them. That's good. Yeah, yeah. So ask for help.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:27

Ask for help. I love that. That's perfect. Yeah, I mean, I think we were talking about this. I think Dan is teaching on Sunday, but and we won't give it away, but I mean, that's we've tried to make it a point. I don't know what Mark calls it. Thursday? Thursday, Thursday, or something like that. Something like that. Yeah. And we just get together, we have a a glass of whiskey and some snacks, but we talk about life. Like we make it intentional about hey, what's going on with your kids, with your spouse, with you. Um, and every now and then our spouses will tag along, but and we're authentic in those. Yeah, that's what Sal said is just find the way. It doesn't have to be 17,000 men, it doesn't have to be 20, it can be two, it can be 10, it can be 12, whatever. But find a place. You guys, so thinking about all that before we close, do you all have anything else?

SPEAKER_01 1:16:11

I have a story. Yeah, go for it, brother. I think, and this is for me something that was something my son said to me one day that I was like, oh my god. Right. We talk about like that one thing you did right, that you just have to do a little better than the last generation. And it was one day where I raised my voice at my son. I don't I don't remember what it was about. I I I mean I lost it because I get emotional every time I think about this, but I wanted to share this story with with your listeners. And after he comes to me in the kitchen and says, Papa, can I talk to you? I was like, Yeah. I was like, what's up? He's like, you know, earlier when you raised your voice, you scared me. I don't like when you do that.

unknown 1:16:55

Shh.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:56

And I looked at him and I was just like, oh my god. Like, I couldn't imagine going and having a conversation like that with my father ever. Right. And I thought to myself, like, oh my god, that's what health looks like. Yeah, it's really good. Like, if you can't communicate that, then what relationship do you have?

SPEAKER_02 1:17:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:16

And so that's what you that's what you want to seek, right? Is like some like a trust that you can be like, hey man, don't raise your voice. You scare me. Yeah. Okay, I got you. Roger that. We'll move on. I'm sorry. Right. And so I wanted to share that because those are the little things that if you're not present, that you'll miss. Yeah. Right? Your kids may want to talk to you about something and you're doing this or right, like thinking about you know, how you're gonna make an end meet, and you'll miss it. So be present, man. That's good, dude. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that's super.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:51

I mean, yeah, being present is so important. You know, I you know, I think back and I'll think I'll look at friends right now and I'm like, or even my do I want my kids to tell me how awesome something went, or do I want them, like you said, to look at me when that awesome thing happened and smile? Yeah. You know, I would rather see it in the moment than hearing it when they come home. Yeah, you know, and hearing, and so I think that's so important. I think one of my things I think I'd share, and I have tons of stories, but communication, man, it's so, and it's it's funny, you know, especially yours, Mario. We're like, dude, I was so mad, and I would, you know, I'm I think I'm the super most easygoing, super chill, and um, and but my wife balances me out. But if I have to raise my voice, I'll raise my voice, and they get like, oh crap, dad's mad. Like it's serious, you know. But knowing and understanding how your kids like tick, like what it is, so I know communication and understanding them. So if I need to teach my oldest a lesson, I'm gonna sit down and explain it and communicate how I know she's gonna receive it. But it's gonna be so different with Alana, and when I need to sit down with her and be like, hey, I can't do it the same way. I can't raise my voice or be upset because that just makes her withdraw. So it's like, hey, let's let's talk about this. Yeah, and then and then with Kai, it's completely different because he's super uber sensitive. So if I raise my voice, instantly he's in tears. I'm like, dude, you're not in trouble, you're not in trouble. Like, dude, come on, man. Like, so it's like you know, knowing your kids and communicating at their level because you want to teach them, yeah. And like you said, I love your story. Like, your son was able to come to you, and in that, like, my kids know, like, my dad's not always gonna jump and get mad right away. Like, it's just a simple conversation.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:49

It's a simple conversation, those are good.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:51

Yeah, I'm I'm on the I dude, we're all different, but um I had to come apologize to my kids because of the way I I raised them, man, because I was so short so short-tempered that now I'm completely different, but like they know that it I have the tendency that I would lose it, man, and I get loud because that's how I was raised. Like we got loud, yeah. Um, and so there's moments that I'm definitely not proud of. And I've no, I've told both of y'all this along in other settings where I go, Man, if I could go back and just change that, because I remember seeing the fear that I put in them because I raised my voice, and that's just the way I was, but now I'm going, I can't, I can't do that anymore. Yeah, but I think they appreciate the apology, like having to say I'm sorry, took a lot out of me, but yeah. Um, and so for a resource, real quick, again, I man, I don't like talking about so much spirituality. I mean the the faith side of it, yes, but I don't ever push any kind of belief on anyone because I think you see it for yourself, the influence. But there's a book called Not Forsaken, and in the opening chapter, he talks about the mom walking to the pool with all the the you know the the the the pool noodle and all the stuff and she's struggling. But when dad shows up, he's like, Dad, watch this, watch this, watch this, look at me do this dive. Let me he wants him in the water, and it's just like what Sal said, these kids crave that, and it's nothing about the mom, not anything bad. I'm just saying there's something that it's just like the mom. There's something within us that wants our mom, there's something within the culture that needs that from a man. And so Not Forsaken by Louie Louis Giglio, it's a freaking amazing book. Um, I read it at least once or twice every couple years. Um, but and because he talks about the the heart of God and and as a father. Um, but before we wrap up, I there's there is one thing that I I do want to say to because again, it's so it's so difficult to talk about it without not being there. I've been present with people that have lost kids or friends that have lost their their dads, and the the thing that I have to say uh to women or men that are listening is just if you've never had what we're talking about, I have to say again those two powerful words. I'm sorry that you didn't have this. I'm sorry that you lost your dad early or you lost your child early. Um, if you're a father and you didn't have this, I want to say I'm sorry. And as a woman, if you're listening, I would ask you to press into that into your husband in a in a positive way, to where it I don't know if he gets angry or not, or if he's sensitive enough to talk about this, but to where you press into this issue of just saying, How does it make you feel? Because I'm sorry that you didn't have what I had, or I'm sorry that you didn't have what they have. But really, I just want to say, I'm sorry if you've lost your father, if you've lost your child, or if you just didn't have what we're talking about. Um, so um, and the last the other thing is just what Sal said and what you said is ask for help. Like, man, ask for help, get in a community. It doesn't have to be weird. Um we've talked about it. We have whiskey, and again, we're not big drinkers, but we have we we relax, we hang out, our wives know. Um, but we have that for the camaraderie of being a men and going, I just want to be authentic and real. So find a place that you're real, ask for help. Um but show up, man. Show up because the world needs us to be our best. And again, that's the whole motto for Made for More is you were made for more. So show up because the world needs that. And like Sal said, it doesn't matter what side of the aisle you're on, what what race you are, the world needs us at our best so that we can be the influence and be the change that we want to see. Um, any last things before we close?

SPEAKER_03 1:24:00

Man, I thought of something. Um I don't know. I mean, it's just I I think it goes back to just my heart. Like obviously, I'm a student pastor, so I'm gonna say that. So if you you're not a religious person or in a relationship with Christ, one of the things I just had to learn, um, you know, however we were treated by our dads or lack of a dad, um again, we're we're human, so we mess up. We're I'm an idiot. I'm gonna mess up, I'm not perfect, and or am I supposed to be perfect because we're all human, we're gonna mess up. But there's uh there's a heavenly father that created us, and he is perfect, and he does have a plan, he has love and he adores you. So maybe you heard something negative from an earthly person because they didn't have it modeled to them. Um lean into your heavenly father because he thinks the world of you that's awesome. That's kind of my thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:58

No, that's great. And I think that's another book that Louis wrote was called Seeing God as a perfect father. Because our earthly father is definitely not God. Yeah but we have an earthly father, we have a heavenly father that's perfect. So you got anything?

SPEAKER_01 1:25:11

Yeah, um, I guess uh uh uh last part is thank you for for hosting. Um and I think uh you brought it up a couple times, folks that have lost children, right? I think I'm not gonna say like I know what you've been through because I don't I've never lost a child, hopefully I never do, right? Uh I don't want to know what that feels like, but I do know because I know both of you, you you more than Dan, um being in the ministry and the experience I had, substitute teaching, there are places for you to serve where everything you wanted to be as a parent, you can be as a supporter of somebody, whether it's in the ministry or at a school, after school program, like find it. Yeah, because it's good. It's needed, and that'll give you an opportunity to be f feel fulfilled, be fulfilled with hey, I made a difference, right? Um, so yeah, I mean find it, you know. Um yeah, that's that's what I'll leave you with. Yeah, that's really good, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:18

That's that's really good. That's a good and I think Sal probably titled the podcast and didn't know, but I think I'm just gonna close with this and just rewrite the script. I love it. That's freaking awesome. Pay attention. Dan said it too, is ask your kids what they need to hear from their father or how they how they need their father to show up, excuse me. Um, but show up, show up, show up. And fathers, happy father's day. Um, I hope it's a great day for you. Do whatever you need to do. Um and uh yeah, continue to be the father or get better. Uh, like Dan said every day. And uh just like we end every podcast, remember we exist for more. We're here to offer more, don't ever give up. Every single one of us are made for more. Later, guys.